If you have children, or nieces and nephews between one and three, you will understand where I’m coming from. This is the age when the dreaded ‘terrible twos’ hit. They don’t actually have to be two, mind, for little devils to be spawned.
Here’s a taste of the lovely things my little girl encourages me to say on a regular basis:- “Don’t eat your bogeys”
I do not know where she got the love of the chewy green gunk from but it certainly wasn’t from me. I offer her a tissue as she loves a good “nose blow” (as it’s known in our house) but she refuses and insists on telling me how it’s stuck in her teeth, tasty or how she‘s going to do it again and can I watch.
2. Mash is potatoes”
She continually tells me that mash — not like Smash but actual time-consuming handmade flippin’ potatoes — is slimy and asks me to make real potatoes.
I tell her it is potatoes and she just swirls it round her plate hoping it will magically disappear. God forbid if the peas or sweetcorn get stuck in it as that is game over, full-on screaming central.
3. “Don’t go upsidedown”
Why is that she wants to spend so much of her life the wrong way up these days? Whether it’s watching TV or putting her jamas on, it has to be done with head on ground and legs spread — or better still, trying to do a headstand.
What’s that all about?
4. “Your dad is not a trampoline”
Let dad just relax please. Dad just got home from work/ate his tea, he doesn’t want to be bounced all over. Why don’t you go on your actual trampoline? It isn’t as good for jumping?
You could have told me that on your first birthday and saved me £40.
5. “If I hear you shouting, I won’t come up.”
Having still no tea at 8.30pm and desperately waiting for someone to settle down so we can actually enjoy it, teas on knees style (as it’s usually almost time for something like Press or Bodyguard), the bribes that go on in our house are funny.
She’s dropped the old afternoon sleep and still has no interest in going to bed before 9pm. But the best one that hasn’t failed (so far) to work is, “You lie down, and I’ll come up in ten minutes to check you. If you’re still awake, you can come down and watch TV, OK?” Quick…get Netflix on.
6. “Let’s see how quickly you can…..go”
Thanks the lord for this old chestnut. Asking a kid to tidy up their mess is tough at the best of times but throw in a hint of a competition — especially if it’s against dad — and she’s away. Whether it’s picking up all those legos or putting her books in the box, it’s definitely a winner to do it as a race!
Just a selection of the things I say… still better than dealing with the ‘no’ and ‘why’ stages. Kids, eh?